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PETS AND LESS IMPORTANT THINGS

WEbsite of the Derek Leif who lives in Beverly Massachusetts

(Not to be confused with the other two derek leifs on facebook, one of whom lives in colorado, and the other of whom lives in NEbraska)

ESSAY-DISPATCH FROM SAMSON, GOODWILL AMBASSADOR OF 31 PRATT AVENUE, BEVERLY MASSACHUSETTS TO MEGAN MILLER, FAITHFUL SERVANT AND COMPANION RE: INCESSANT BARKING

2/19/2018

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Dear Megan,

I take my job seriously, okay? Whenever I see somebody, I think of them as a source of love and kindness. I have a heart on my side; I wear it proudly.

I wanted to explain the fact that even though I seek love wherever I may find it, well, I bark a lot.

You’ve told me many times that barking a lot doesn’t really make people want to come closer. In fact, you’ve told me that it makes people want to stay away.

I think part of this has to do with the fact that I speak a different language from you. That’s why I would like to translate my words into English, so that you can understand what I’m saying. I’m really saying good stuff; maybe it just doesn’t come across that way.

When I’m on the porch, I know I’m loud, and I know that I talk a lot. It’s just that I get so enthusiastic. I see people, and I want them to come closer. So I usually say something like “Hey. Hey. Hey. Come here. Please. I love you. I want you to rub my stomach. I love you. Hey. Hey. Hey.”

I know that you’re right when you tell me to maybe calm my enthusiasm. The trouble is, I just can’t do that, no matter how hard I try. When I smell someone from a couple of miles away, I know this sounds weird, but I can honestly smell their love. We Bassets can do that.

And when that happens, I just get so excited that I can’t control myself. I want them to stop by, and share the love. So I tell them that. A lot.

And I’m really loud when I do this. I know I am. I can’t help it.

Look, the world can be a really mean place. There’s just a lot of meanness around. And when I see a source of love, I can’t help it. I get excited. I get enthusiastic.

I especially feel this when other dogs walk by. And I know that here, I don’t have the excuse of them not understanding what I’m saying. I think some of them, who are a lot more laid back than I am when it comes to the whole love thing, are a little put off by my enthusiasm.

This is why I’m so grateful when you occasionally take me to the beach. When we’re there, I occasionally meet others who know exactly what I’m saying, and take it the right way. I’ve made a lot of friends this way, and we message back on forth on Facebook; it’s awesome.

I know that generally speaking, people and animals like it a lot more when you just sort of quietly introduce yourself, talk a bit, figure out what you have in common, and build a friendship on that. My problem, and I admit that it’s a problem, is that when I see someone in front of me—or, more usually, when I smell them a few miles away—I just think “awesome…a friend.” So I start talking. A lot. In a really loud way.

I’ll try to stop doing this, but I’m sorry to say that I just don’t see it happening. You see, you kind of made it clear from the get go that you were going to give me love, and a lot of it. I really, really like the whole love thing, and I want to give it to as many people I see, and get some in return.

So I admit that I’m probably going to keep talking a lot, and I also admit that when I talk, I’m going to talk really, really loud. I don’t think I can do anything about this. I’m a hound, and we’re really, really loud.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that when I’m really really loud, I’m just telling everyone how much I love them. I know that there are a lot of people who hear this and think that I’m telling them that I’ll be really angry if they try and rob the house. I mean, yes, I’d be really angry if they tried to rob the house, but I honestly don’t think they’re going to rob the house; I just want more people to scratch my stomach when I lie down on my back.

Just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’d like to say it won’t happen again, but I’m afraid it’s going to happen many more times…like, a whole lot more. Just know that I’m trying to share the love, and that I’m really, really sorry.

Could you maybe scratch my stomach? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Sincerely,
Samson
Good Will Ambassador
31 Pratt Avenue
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