The first thing I want to say is, thanks a whole lot. In fact, this whole letter is just about thanking you for one thing after another.
The first thing I want to thank you for is the squirrel feeders you set up in the backyard. It’s really hard to find food, and you guys have made it a lot easier. It would be nice if you filled it up a bit more—there’s, like, maybe one day of food in that feeder—but still, it’s great.
As long as I’m thanking you for the feeders, there’s something else about them that’s great. What I’m saying is, you turned getting food into a game. Let me explain.
We squirrels really like video games. We discovered how much we liked them when you let us hack into your router without asking so that we could play them. This actually allowed us to download copies of video games by hacking into the root code of Steam without asking, and it was really nice of them to let us do that.
Anyway, when we were done with Steam and figured out a way to get a free deluxe account on Guild Wars 2 without asking—which was really nice of the Guild Wars 2 people, by the way—we noticed something that reminded us of you.
In Guild Wars 2, right, there are these things called vistas. They’re these special places on top of mountains and buildings where it’s tough to get there. It’s a real challenge sometimes, because you usually have to find this special way there that involves jumping from one place to the next, and being in just the right place.
This is my favorite part of the game. Whenever I get to this part, I always imagine that I’m right there, trying to get to the top of that mountain or building. And when I succeed, I kind of imagine myself standing there, feeling all proud and mighty.
It kind of makes me wish that I were a video game character in real life, and that’s the reason I want to thank you again.
I notice you’ve been setting up all these obstacles around the squirrel feeders, and I have to think really hard to figure them out. It’s a lot of fun, and when I eat the food from the feeder it tastes even better, because I feel like I earned it.
So thanks for everything. Thanks for the squirrel feeders. Thanks for the obstacles. Thanks for letting us use your internet. Thanks for taking the blame when the FBI comes by to investigate all the break ins to all those websites.
If you go to jail, we’ll figure out a way to set you free. It’ll be another challenge. It’ll be fun.
Oh, yeah, just a heads up: a lot of birds are getting into the squirrel feeders. I just figured you’d want to know about this, because stealing is wrong, and I don’t want anyone stealing from you. So you might want to do something about that.
Forager, Second Class