I read your blog—I use the computer frequently when you’re out of the apartment—and am glad that you have seen fit to publish my correspondence. Too many roommates of cats (we call them “subjects”) fail to recognize the vast intelligence we possess. Even fewer acknowledge that this intelligence is often superior, and again, I admire and respect your astuteness in this regard.
It is, in fact, because of this wisdom on your part that I write to you at this juncture. Like you, I desire an expansion in our reading audience, and I therefore see a need to take a firm grasp of matters. I shall share my observations, and then my conclusions.
(I also would like to explain, for those who may read this blog—and therefore my correspondence—the curious dichotomy between yesterday’s correspondence and today’s. Yesterday, I admit that my style slipped into a certain vernacular that may be described as “street.”)
(Often, in my sincere affection for you, I tend to let myself slip back into my earlier, halcyon days of a vagabond life filled with assorted misadventures, some of which included epic fisticuffs. Though I have since attended finishing school and taken elocution, lessons, I nonetheless find myself slipping back to my “native tongue” when discussing matters of an emotional nature.)
(I trust that the sincerity of my passion will outweigh the deficits in my writing and speaking polish during these times.)
I call your attention to the statistics on your blog. You will notice that even in the earliest of the morning, you already had ten page views and seven readers. You will also notice that there have been noticeable general spikes in your readership of late.
Though indeed coincidence is not causality, it is nonetheless worth noting that entries that feature my dispatches produce a noticeable uptick in readership.
Furthermore, though the Facebook “like” is a questionable gauge of popularity, I nonetheless point out that your recent post of a picture of the two of us got you over twenty likes, while all other pictures that you post maybe get you four or five. Again, coincidence is not causality…but when one coincidence after another occurs, again and again, it is, perhaps, time to at least form a hypothesis.
Being that I am in charge of this apartment, I prefer to jump straight from hypothesis to conclusion, and from conclusion to action.
The conclusion, of course, is that I am the star of this blog.
I am therefore taking it over immediately.
Please be assured: you may continue to post to this blog. Just be sure to indicate, at the beginning of each post, that you are a guest writer, filling in for me during periods in which a constitutional nap is necessary. As you know, I need these so that I may rest my mind and find another subject about which to write.
Being that you are occasionally out of town visiting your girlfriend, I shall require an automatic feeder. Simply leaving a bowl of dry food carries with it the risk that I may put on extra ounces as I thoughtlessly snack while looking for that particular turn of phrase. We both know my days of outdoor excursions—with the ensuing conflicts—are now behind me, and I require portion control in order to keep the svelte figure of my youth.
Don’t worry. I’ve already ordered it, and charged it to your credit card.
I shall also require a special weight control blend of nourishment. Again, though my days of mental activity are still very much in the present, my days of constant physical activity are very much in the past. I therefore seek not only to limit the sustenance that I take, but to insure that such sustenance is nourishing without being fattening.
Again, to save you any undue effort, I have bought this, and put it on your credit card.
I point out, at this juncture, that just because my activities are more limited than they used to be (as often is the case with a life lived indoors), be assured that I continue to look forward to our occasional recreational get togethers. To be blunt: I love the laser pointer. I also love that metal beaded chain that shimmers when you shake it, as if it’s a cybernetic snake.
I cherish our times in which I pursue the light and the serpent. And to ensure that we still have these things in the event that one should vanish, I have bought some more chains and an additional laser pointer. Once again, not to worry...I put it on your credit card.
Having said all this, I once again look to you to handling the more technical aspects of getting these assorted missives and bromides out into the digital world. I trust you will perform these duties admirably. I expect nothing less.
I require a nap at this point, as creating these paragraphs is hard work. I bid you a heartfelt good night.