I wish to write about my unfortunate excursion into the environs surrounding the apartment a few days ago.
As you know, my life’s beginnings involved a vagabond existence, one in which my bedroom was wherever I lay my head, and my next meal was always in doubt. It was a rough existence, one that involved not just hunger, but numerous instances of brutal combat with assorted rogues who threatened the honor of assorted feline children and females.
As brutal as these days were, however, there was the freedom of the open road. Each day, the world was one of undiscovered vistas. Given this, when you left the window open, I felt a longing to recapture those moments of unexpected joy, as fate opened the door to new discoveries and unexplored possibilities.
I admit, however, that once outside, I came to the realization that with the passage into my more mature years, my perspective on the outdoors has changed.
Once there, the possibility of a life without my trusted valet flooded into my psyche with a force that I have never previously felt. The world felt not like an open door, but like a gate that had shut behind be, cutting me off forever from the fiefdom that I have come to rule with a sure and just hand.
Most of all, however, and I ask that you please forgive my passage in this dispatch into what I sincerely hope is not saccharine prattle, I admit that my mind immediately turned to thoughts of a life without you.
I found myself shaking uncontrollably. I let out yells of despair, and felt utterly alone.
I admit that when you nobly came to my rescue, I at first darted away, for everyone in that cold, cruel world felt like an enemy. It was only after you approached me gently and went down on one knee in proper tribute to your chieftain that I once again saw you as the loyal and faithful servant you have been, and continue to be.
When you returned me to my estate, I felt not just the welcome of its existence, but, and once again I fear I drift into sentimental pablum, also the love of my valet, a love built on trust and honor. I settled onto my dais—which you often crudely refer to as The Casto Ottoman that Folds Out As a Guest Bed—and contemplated the events of the past few minutes.
I came to the conclusion that, in these advanced years, the outdoors is a place to be observed, but not to be experienced. It is here, in the sanctuary of this sacred place, that I am destined to contemplate life, and attend to matters of state. And also, and once again, I apologize for drifting into maudlin territory, it is here that I bask in the affection of a trusted servant who has, for me, become a noble companion.
I therefore offer my sincerest gratitude for your rescuing me from the outdoors, and assure you that my days of exploration of said environs are at an end. I shall, instead, explore the inner workings of my mind, and keep my outdoor journeys confined to my use of virtual media, which I shall devour so that we may engage in deep, meaningful conversations about politics, the general state of social relations, and the bewildering popularity of The Kardashians.
I fear that this writing endeavor has left me quite fagged out. I shall require a dish of food from the armor casing that you, and you alone, are capable of penetrating. I shall require your skill at physical therapy as I stretch out on my dais, and attend to the task of calming my frayed nerves.
Know, however, that as I do this, my thoughts will be on both your loyal service to me, and your kindness.
Emperor, Apartment D1