I must, at this point, discuss the difference between your perception of certain things, and mine.
I speak, specifically, of what you call The Scansnap ix 500.
I am well aware of how you see what has been, for you, a valuable accessory. Often, I have heard you speak of how you are able to scan bills, large packets of information, receipts, and just about everything else, and how you have then converted these files into dated PDFs. I have also heard you discuss how, for the first time, you are able to keep all of your papers organized, and how during key periods, such as the preparation of your taxes, it has saved you a great deal of time and stress.
For these things, I am glad. As my trusty valet, I look to you to handle the assorted tasks that go into the general affairs of the empire. Every dominion has its day to day operations, and I am glad that this device allows you to attend to these tasks with the aplomb that I have come to expect from you.
With that said, however, I must share with you my perception of said device, which may explain my somewhat enthusiastic collation of the papers therein:
Sir: I love this thing.
It is awesome.
When I see papers leave it, I am suddenly, quite wonderfully, several epochs in the past. I am a mighty jungle cat, and the papers that spew out of the Scansnap ix 500 are my prey.
They do not stand a chance against me, for I am no longer Hugo, Emperor of Apartment 29 D1. Instead, I am Shalma, Jungle King and Ruler of All He Surveys. The papers stand no chance against me, for I am their mighty hunter.
This device mesmerizes me. When you are using it, time slows, and the moments stretch out, locking me in the primal moment of the predator’s sacred Moment of Truth. I sight the papers, I stalk the papers, and I slay the papers; never, at any other time in my existence, does life have such vivid clarity.
I do offer my sincere apologies for the fact that there also seems to be a difference in the way that we react to these successful hunts. For me, the proper thing to say after such a successful hunt is “ah, yes, once again the mighty hunter has established himself at the top of the food chain.” For you, I believe the reaction is something like “aw, man…I have to fill out my W4 form again.”
For these moments of inconvenience, I offer my deepest regrets. At the same time, sir, and here, I hope that this offers some comfort: I give you my deepest thanks. With the Scansnap ix 500, you have rekindled my contact with my sacred, neolithic spirit.
With that said, sir, should any of these papers prove a nuisance to you, fear not. All you need do is feed them into the Scansnap ix500, and I shall make sure that they feel the full force of my hunter’s heart. Simply leave these unwelcome intruders to me, and I shall make sure that they never bother you again.
I am Spartacus.
With the utmost potency, I remain
Apartment 29 D1