I haven’t posted anything in a while, and it honestly has nothing to do with being depressed. Instead, and I have no idea if this will make any sense, it has to do with changing the way that I’ve been thinking for a long, long time.
Hmmmm….I don’t know if this will make any sense, honest. Best to keep writing.
The best I can put it is this way: for a long time, I’ve been in this mindset where I think about the past. So many times, it will be a beautiful day outside, and there are things in front of me, right in front of me, where I can enjoy them.
And I don’t.
I don’t because there is some sort of something in my past—usually a regret—that I spend a whole of time thinking about. There is something to be said for thinking about this.
Just not all the time.
It works the opposite way, too. Some folks are great at living in the present, at talking about the things that they’ve done the previous day, and what they’re going to do tomorrow. Every so often, though, something that’s not in the present—some awful thing that happened a while back, usually—gets in the way of this. And yes, it’s necessary to deal with whatever that thing was, and move on.
It’s a balance, though. It’s far too easy, when dealing with whatever that thing (or things) are to get into a mindset in which that becomes the only thing that someone things about. And when that happens, it’s necessary to turn away from those thoughts, and think about what’s directly ahead.
For a person who’s spent way too much time thinking about virtually everything except the present, this can be torture. Suddenly, turning away from all those thoughts about the past feels as if that person isn’t dealing with important things that can eat away and become every more painful, likes a cavity that’s neglected until it becomes something searingly painful.
Many times, though, it really and truly isn’t a cavity. Instead, it’s chicken pox, and scratching it causes scars. Or it’s poison ivy, and scratching it causes it to spread further.
As I try to figure out the differences, in my mind, between chicken pox and cavities, I find myself spending a lot more time just dealing with sorting all of this out. It causes me to spend a lot more time thinking about whatever stuff I’m facing right here and right now, and it sometimes makes me think that all this focus on the past has been a sure fire way to turn my mind away from the problems that are right here, right now, in the present.
So for a little while, as I sort all of this out, my blog posts may be a little less frequent as I just spend my days thinking about, say, how nice it is to walk Megan’s dog. And I will write about these things. I just need a little time.